An Open Letter to Eldest Daughters (and the People Who Love Them)

Dear Eldest Daughter,

You are the most responsible person you know.
You are also the most exhausted person I know.

And I know you tell yourself that if the people around you would just get their shit to-damn-gether, you’d finally feel better. 

But what I need you to hear is that while that used to be true (really, it did), it’s not the only thing that’s true anymore. And I want to help. 

Because these days, some of what’s exhausting is no longer being done to you…it’s being done by you. 

It’s the way you rewrite a two-sentence text four times because you can feel how the first three versions could be misread as “tone.” You’ll delete a perfectly reasonable period and replace it with an exclamation point you don’t mean because it feels safer to be misunderstood as cheerful than understood as direct. So you add “no worries at all!” when there are, in fact, worries.

And it’s the times you sit in your parked car, texting “Sounds good to me!” while your face is doing that thing where you stare straight ahead and don’t blink because if you blink, you’ll start crying and you’re afraid of that, so instead, you take a breath so deep your ribs feel tight, and you keep your chest perfectly still so no one - no one - could ever guess that it does not, in fact, sound good to you. 

It’s just that you don’t wanna have to deal with it, right? 

The reactions.
The tension.
The awkwardness.
The disagreement.
The judgement. 

So you just skip it - whatever “it” might be - asking for help, saying what you want, letting someone know that what they did or said hurt your feelings. You just….skip it. 

And now you feel taken advantage of - but have you ever noticed that you’re allergic to sharing responsibility (ahem - control)?

You feel like no one cares about you - but how often do you actually tell people when something really matters to you? 

You feel invisible - but have you ever considered that it might be less about other people being bad at seeing, and more about how good you are at hiding?

And I know it feels safest there. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong - but I am saying that these things you’re doing are no longer helpful in the way they used to be. 

You’re working so hard to keep everything exactly as it is that I don’t think you can see that’s part of why things are staying exactly how they are. 

Sure, they could change. 

But have you ever thought that you could, too? 

Reach Out to A Therapist for Women in St. Louis, MO

PS - I know you’re carrying a lot of things you wish you could say to your parents. And probably to your husband. And I know you worry about what you might pass on to your own daughter. I wrote to them for you. 

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Other Services Offered at Good Woman Therapy

Curious to learn more about IFS therapy? Send me a message! As an IFS therapist, I love helping women and fellow therapists navigate their everyday lives with greater ease using Internal Family Systems Therapy and specialize in therapy for stress & overwhelm, inner critics, perfectionism, peacekeeping, and relationship concerns. My office is located in Ballwin, MO and I help everyday women navigate their everyday lives with greater ease by offering both in-person counseling as well as online therapy to clients throughout Creve Coeur, Ladue, Town and Country, Chesterfield, and St. Peters. I also provide online therapy Missouri -wide to clients outside the St. Louis and St. Charles County area. You can view my availability and self-schedule a free, 20-minute consultation on my consultation page.