UNFILTERED:
Making the Invisible, Visible
If therapy and Fight Club have a common thread, it's their first rule: don't talk about it. This code works wonders if you're in the loop, but it's less helpful when you're on the sidelines, contemplating whether or not to step into the ring.
Think of these articles as your insider's guide to therapy.
I'll offer you a candid view of my work as a therapist, without sacrificing the sacredness of my client's confidentiality. Like your favorite reality TV show, we'll delve into the highs, lows, and 'pour-the-red-wine' moments of life for women in their 30s and 40s.
I'm pulling back the curtain on the invisible world of therapy for women who think their struggles aren't "significant enough", one blog post at a time.
Married to an Eldest Daughter? This Is for You.
You can feel it, right? Something’s off with your wife. She’s more irritable than usual. Less affectionate. Shorter. Tired in a way sleep doesn’t seem to touch.
You’re fighting more than you used to, and the worst part is when she finally loses it over something small and the fight somehow time-travels backwards. Suddenly, twelve years of history is coming up on a Tuesday night over the pan you left to “soak” in the sink.
Here’s what’s going on.
An Open Letter to Eldest Daughters (and the People Who Love Them)
You are the most responsible person you know.
You are also the most exhausted person I know.
And I know you tell yourself that if the people around you would just get their shit to-damn-gether, you’d finally feel better.
But what I need you to hear is that while that used to be true (really, it did), it’s not the only thing that’s true anymore. And I want to help.
Why Dr. Becky’s “Good Inside” Hits You Right In the Marriage
I can’t tell you how often someone sits across from me and says some version of, “Okay, this is going to sound weird, but I read this post quote on Instagram, and it hit me right in the marriage. Only then, I scrolled back up and realized… it was a Dr. Becky post about parenting.”
On the outside, they’ll laugh about it, but underneath there’s this quiet click of recognition — like something inside them grabbed that framework, pointed at it and said, THIS. This is what’s going on. This is what’s missing. This is how I want to be related to. This is how I want to relate.
Why You Relate to Eldest Daughter Syndrome as a Middle/Youngest/Only Child
Eldest daughter syndrome is officially a thing. The jokes, the memes, the “eldest daughter starter pack” reels…it’s everywhere right now. I mean, Taylor Swift even wrote a song about it, and if that doesn’t mean it’s gone mainstream, I don’t know what does.
But what if, as a woman who is equal parts tired, capable, and quietly furious, you resonate with all the eldest daughter stuff but you’re not the oldest daughter in your family? What does that mean?
Why are Millennial Women Obsessed with Therapy?
I saw this post from Dr. Becky the other day — the one about how we’ve overcorrected from “kids’ feelings don’t matter” to “kids’ feelings decide everything.” It stopped me.
Dr. Becky (Kennedy), the psychologist behind Good Inside, has become something of a millennial mom whisperer. Her take on parenting isn’t just about raising kids — it’s about how we were raised. And that post, in particular, nailed something I see in almost every millennial woman I work with in therapy - the tension between feelings and boundaries.
Is IFS Good for Healing Eldest Daughter Syndrome?
Eldest Daughter Syndrome. Firstborn Daughter Burnout. Whatever the internet is calling it this week, it all ends up sounding like cute branding for a life that’s slowly suffocating you.
Before your feet even hit the floor, you’ve already run three mental checklists: yours, your kid’s, and your partner’s (plus your mom’s, because someone has to). You respond to texts, make mental edits to your work presentation, try to remember if there’s milk left, if the field trip form is due, if you ever switched the laundry last night—and somehow, none of that counts as doing anything yet.
You are high-functioning. Hyper-responsible. Chronically needed. Loudly capable. Quietly on the verge.
What I’ve Learned From the Women Who Always Hold It Together
Most people assume that high-achieving women thrive on tidy kitchens and back-to-back meetings, that they sleep better with a color-coded calendar and a to-do list by the bed.
But that’s just because most people can’t spell. Lucky for them, some high-achieving women will help them out:
Tidy kitchens? That’s R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y.
Back-to-back meetings? That’s B-E-I-N-G-A-G-R-O-W-N-U-P.
Color-coded calendars? That’s N-E-C-E-S-S-A-R-Y.
To-do lists by the bed? That’s C-O-P-I-N-G..
And thriving? Oh, that one’s easy. It’s spelled S-U-R-V-I-V-I-N-G. Which is exactly why this high-achieving woman is one goldfish cracker away from L-O-S-I-N-G H-E-R S-H-I-T.
What is Eldest Daughter Syndrome?
Can you remember when you first became “the responsible one”? Most women can’t - because there wasn’t one singular moment when they shifted from being cared for to being counted on.
The internet calls it “eldest daughter syndrome”. I call it what happens when a little girl becomes her family’s emotional shock absorber.
What Seven Years of IFS Therapy with Women in St. Louis Has Taught Me
Seven years ago, while in grad school to become a licensed counselor myself, I was sitting across from my therapist, intellectually spiraling about something my husband did: over-explaining, analyzing, looping through every possible angle. You know. Tuesday.
She paused and asked if I’d be willing to try something different. Instead of talking about the frustration, she asked me to speak to it. To listen to it. To let it respond. It was weird. But it also worked.
