Married to an Eldest Daughter? This Is for You.

Dear Husband to an Eldest Daughter,

You can feel it, right? Something’s off with your wife. She’s more irritable than usual. Less affectionate. Shorter. Tired in a way sleep doesn’t seem to touch.

You’re fighting more than you used to, and the worst part is when she finally loses it over something small and the fight somehow time-travels backwards. Suddenly, twelve years of history is coming up on a Tuesday night over the pan you left to “soak” in the sink. She’s citing problems you didn’t even know were problems back then.

It’s confusing. Disorienting. Discouraging. Probably even a little worrisome.

On the outside, it looks like your wife is…fine. She’s capable. On top of it. She makes decisions. Things get done, life keeps moving. From your side, it looks like she’s handling everything just fine. 

But from her side - it never felt like it was an option not to just handle everything and be “fine”. 

So by the time she’s edgy or short or finally saying something out loud, it’s not the beginning of the problem. It’s the end of a very long stretch (probably about 12 years) of holding things together without feeling like there’s anywhere to put them down.

I know that might seem strange. After all, you’re standing right here. Her husband. Of course you want to help her. Support her. You love her, and from your perspective, you are involved and supportive.

But - and lemme finish this thought before you decide how you feel about it, this isn’t about whether or not that’s true. It’s about whether or not she can experience it as true. Whether she can perceive it as real and reliable. And most importantly, it’s about whether or not she can feel safe accepting it. 

Her struggle with all of that predates you, though (and that’s actually good news for both of you). She didn’t go through life feeling like there was a safety net underneath her. Instead, life taught her to be her own safety net. 

So asking for help or voicing disagreement/saying what she really thinks instead of just smile-and-nodding…just doesn’t land as a viable option for her, even when it really is, because at some point, it really, really wasn’t.

I imagine that’s frustrating for you. Because here you are - her husband - loving her, trying to take care of her and she just won’t let you. And then, somehow, she ends up angry about not being supported.

But if I know anything about your wife, she’s not actually angry - she’s scared.

In fact, she’s always scared - whether she’s consciously aware of it/realizes that’s what she’s feeling or not.

It works like this: she doesn’t speak up because she’s scared. And then she ends up overwhelmed or burned out or resentful because it’s impossible to hold everything alone - but she genuinely believes she has to. Parts of her get angry about “having” to carry it all - and she can’t yet see that the “having to” part is outdated. It’s coming from old fear, not from the life you share with her now. 

So then her fear comes out sideways as anger, irritability, or withdrawal. But when you listen to her complaints and try to help her? She resists and stays angry, irritated, and withdrawn….because she’s scared to accept your help. 

And if you’re like most decent husbands, you’re thinking, “Okay - but if she hasn’t had a safety net and I’m here literally offering and trying to be one - why won’t she just let me?”

Because it hurts.

I know - that’s confusing, too. 

The best way I can explain it is like this: you know how when you’ve been outside in the winter for too long without gloves, your hands hurt from the cold and all you want is for your hands to feel warm again? Accepting help and nurturing from you (or anyone, really) is like when you finally go inside and run your hands under warm water - it stings like hell. 

And even though you wanted nothing more than to be warm again, you kind of want to pull your hand out from underneath the water because while the cold hurts, so does the process of thawing and getting warm again.

Good things can hurt sometimes. Healing can hurt sometimes. And that’s why it’s hard for her to let you take care of her. Because right now - it all hurts.

And anger? The distance and irritability and exhaustion? That’s what it looks like when everything hurts, and she’s stuck between staying so-cold-it-hurts and facing the sting of thawing and getting warm again.

I thought it might really help you to know that. 

PS - If she sent you this, you’re not in trouble. Is some of this on you? Sure - probably. But some of this is also on her. And some of it’s on her parents, her Great Aunt Susan, and society at large even. This is layered. I’m writing all these letters - to you, to her, to her parents - because everybody makes sense from their own angle. My hope is you’ll all get a little more curious about each other…because I’ve seen how that can change a lot.

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Curious to learn more about relationship therapy? Send me a message! As an IFS therapist, I love helping women and fellow therapists navigate their everyday lives with greater ease using Internal Family Systems Therapy and specialize in therapy for stress & overwhelm, inner critics, perfectionism, and peacekeeping. My office is located in Ballwin, MO and I help everyday women navigate their everyday lives with greater ease by offering both in-person counseling as well as online therapy to clients throughout Creve Coeur, Ladue, Town and Country, Chesterfield, and St. Peters. I also provide online therapy Missouri -wide to clients outside the St. Louis and St. Charles County area. You can view my availability and self-schedule a free, 20-minute consultation on my consultation page.