What I’ve Learned From the Women Who Always Hold It Together

Most people assume that high-achieving women thrive on tidy kitchens and back-to-back meetings, that they sleep better with a color-coded calendar and a to-do list by the bed. 

But that’s just because most people can’t spell. Lucky for them, some high-achieving women will help them out:

Tidy kitchens? That’s  R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y. 

Back-to-back meetings? That’s B-E-I-N-G-A-G-R-O-W-N-U-P.

Color-coded calendars? That’s N-E-C-E-S-S-A-R-Y.

To-do lists by the bed? That’s C-O-P-I-N-G..

And thriving? Oh, that one’s easy. It’s spelled S-U-R-V-I-V-I-N-G. Which is exactly why this high-achieving woman is one goldfish cracker away from L-O-S-I-N-G H-E-R S-H-I-T.

The Myth of “High-Functioning” Women

Yesterday morning, she noticed it again - the goldfish crackers disintegrating into dust in the back seat of her SUV. She’s noticed it every morning for the last two weeks in the school drop-off line. It’s always the same: she stares at it for exactly three seconds, closes her eyes, allows herself one deep inhale and a slow exhale (careful to keep them steady and quiet so no one hears, of course), and a mental note to vacuum it later. 

Only, she never does, because later she’ll be answering emails over the sink, reheating her coffee for the second time, and pretending she doesn’t see the pan that’s been “soaking” in the sink for two days.

Yesterday, though, she tried a new trick: she set a reminder on her phone for after bedtime. But bedtime came and went while her phone buzzed on silent with that reminder, and the cracker dust stayed because of the cleats.  

That’s the thing about some high-achieving women: they always end up telling their therapist about the crackers. And the cleats. And the toothpaste. They swear it’s not about those things, and of course, it’s not. But they have to tell it anyway. 

Because when you’re the kind of woman who looks like you can juggle meetings, carpool lines, and bedtime routines without breaking a sweat, much less raising her voice, you really need to understand how what happened this morning happened so it never happens again. 

But experience has taught the therapist it’s rarely the big things that undo women like this. Layoffs, diagnoses - she’ll hold steady for those. It’s the ordinary things that break them. 

Which is why the therapist lets the woman tell her about the crackers. 

The Truth About “High-Achieving” Women

Another thing the therapist has learned about high-achieving women? They’re never annoyed. Or frustrated. Just so you know.

Which is why the therapist interrupts to wonder if perhaps the woman felt a little annoyed about the mess in her car.

But the woman insists she wasn’t.

She wasn’t annoyed yesterday morning when she ran back inside to lay out favorite pajamas, matching colored water cups, and the correct flavor of toothpaste for each kid after realizing she wouldn’t be home for bedtime that night. Her husband forgets which kid likes mint and which one swears it’s burning her tongue off, she says, and she wanted to help him out (plus, maybe if he gets it right, they won’t cry about her being gone when they FaceTime to say goodnight - but she doesn’t say that part out loud). 

She wasn’t frustrated - just a little annoyed - that afternoon when her mom said, “Some women can just do it all,” while handing her the bill from the utility company and asking if she could “take care of it online.” Her mom says it every time she passes off another task she could manage herself. It sounds like admiration, but it’s really something along the lines of weaponized incompetence + expectation + convenience. Things run smoother when her daughter does them - and everyone has learned to expect she will.

She wasn’t annoyed when her sister called, crying from the Target parking lot because she couldn’t make herself go inside. She balanced the phone on speaker while stirring pasta and signing her kid’s permission slip, murmuring all the right things - you’ll be okay, just go home and rest. Of course, what she didn’t say to her sister or the therapist was that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d let herself not push through - or the last time she’d had anyone to call if she didn’t.

She wasn’t even annoyed - just a little frustrated - when she got home from her own trip to the grocery store after her oldest son went to bed and found his cleats, still muddy from yesterday, tossed in the hallway. She just rinsed them off and set them by the door on her way to putting everything else away. 

If the therapist asked why she cleaned them for her son, who really is old enough to clean them himself…and old enough to remember he’ll need them for his practice tomorrow, she’d explain how the stress would ripple through the whole house: the realization, his panic, her sharp words, his tears, her guilt. And that’s why she’s not annoyed - because that’s just how things work at home: doing things no one notices, to prevent meltdowns no one else will absorb.

But the therapist doesn’t ask why, she tracks the phrases -  not annoyed, just a little frustrated; not frustrated, just a little tired. It’s a game of semantics some women play with themselves when the truth is too sharp to say out loud.

And she knows that “not annoyed” isn’t the same as being okay. That sometimes, when high-achieving women say they’re “not annoyed,” what they really mean is they’re not allowed to be angry…or overwhelmed…or scared. 

Which is why the therapist doesn’t press; she doesn’t have to. She knows what’s coming next, so she just keeps listening.

Why Small Things Break Strong Women

That’s when the woman gets to the applesauce this morning.

The one her youngest son dropped between the seats, sticky lid half peeled back, dripping onto the carpet where yesterday’s cracker dust still clung. She says she wasn’t annoyed—not at first. She just asked him to hold it tighter. Then asked again. Then sharper.

But by the time the applesauce tipped and oozed across the seat, something in her snapped. She was yelling. About the mess in the car. About responsibility. About “Why is it always on me to notice these things?”

Her son froze. Then cried. Her daughter shrank quietly in the back seat, like kids do when they’ve learned that silence is safer. And when her husband called later - cheerful, asking if they’d made it to school on time - she was still so flooded with guilt that she wound up picking a fight with him too.

That’s the part she wants the therapist to fix. Not the pajamas. Not the cleats. Not the cracker dust. The part where she lost it - where she wasn’t steady, dependable, unflappable.

Why High-Achieving Women Feel Stuck

The woman tells the therapist she wants help fixing the yelling. The part where she lost it. The way her son’s face crumpled. That’s the part she wants erased.

But the therapist shakes her head. “The problem isn’t that you yelled,” she says. “The problem is that the parts of you who’d been shouting all along finally gave up on you hearing them and yelled at your son instead.”

The woman blinks. Parts? She doesn’t know what her therapist means. But the therapist has been tracking them.

When the woman talked about her mom handing her the utility bill yesterday, the therapist could see the part that swallowed the sting because it was easier to take it than to fight it.

When the woman recounted laying out pajamas and toothpaste, the therapist could feel the exhaustion from the part of her that always manages three steps ahead, keeping the house upright at the cost of her own peace.

When she described stirring pasta with one hand while steadying her sister on the phone, the therapist felt turmoil inside the part that adjusts to make room for everyone else’s tears while leaving none for her own.

And when she shrugged about rinsing the cleats at midnight, the therapist could see part that erases her own frustration by convincing herself it was nothing, just a shortcut to keep the house from unraveling.

Why Successful Women Can’t ‘Just Do Less’ (Even If They Want To)

So the therapist asks the woman what the parts are afraid would happen if they didn’t do those things. The woman doesn’t hesitate. “Everything would fall apart. nothing would get done. It would be....chaos.”

Now the therapist presses.  “Where’d you get the idea that every mess is yours to take care of? That if something goes wrong, it’s automatically on you to fix?”

And suddenly the woman is back in a kitchen twenty-five years ago, clearing plates while her mom cried and her dad slammed the door. Ten years old and already learning that if she didn’t step in, no one would.

The therapist lets the silence stretch, then says the thing that turns everything upside down: “And that’s how women like you end up ‘never annoyed’. You were a child, but circumstances made it your job to keep things from breaking. That’s why you can’t let yourself be annoyed now - because if you admit you’re angry, then maybe it was never supposed to be your job at all.”

Why ‘Mature for Your Age’ Wasn’t a Compliment

The woman’s eyes begin to burn with tears. She slams them shut on instinct, but that makes her head spin, so she squeezes tighter, then opens wide, and blinks hard - shaking her head to shake away the rapid cycling impulses to cry, run away, scream, or lunge at the therapist for turning her world upside down so easily.

“Or maybe,” she hears herself think from somewhere that feels far away, “she just turned things right side up for the first time in a long time.”

The woman sits there, blinking, trying to figure out what to say, but no words come out. The therapist notices and offers something small, yet significant.

“The thing about these kinds of parts is that they start out protecting us at a time when we really needed them to - usually when we’re young. And once a part takes on a protective role like some of yours have, they can’t just…quit.

The part of you that yelled at your son this morning? It’s probably young, and it probably cracked under adult pressure - just like any 10-year-old would. It’s not a bad part, and you don’t need to fix it - it just needs relief from the pressure it feels to continue protecting you.

The place to start is actually just noticing. Catch the moments when something flares inside — like the irritation when your mom hands you her bill. Think you wish you could say but never do. Those sparks aren’t random; they’re like threads you can trace back/inwards to find the part that feels that way.

This week, anytime you find one, pause long enough to let that part know you see it/hear it/feel it. That’s it. Just notice and then pay attention to what shifts when that part doesn’t feel completely alone.”

That last part lands. Because maybe it isn’t everyone else who hasn’t been listening to her. Maybe she hasn’t been listening to herself.

But maybe she can learn. 

The Best Kind of Therapy for High-Achieving Women

By the time the woman gets home, her son has already forgotten the applesauce.
Her husband still doesn’t understand why she was so sharp with him over “something that small.”
But she knows better.
And so do I.

Next week, she’ll tell me about something small again - the overdue library books that lived on the counter for eight days. Or the email she drafted three times and never sent. Ordinary things. Forgettable, if they weren’t so heavy.

But maybe next week, she won’t have yelled at her son because she’ll have noticed it: the flicker of annoyance. And before swallowing it and moving on, she’ll have closed her eyes and nodded - just once, as if to say to that part “I know - I see you.”

That’s the rhythm of therapy for women like her. They bring me the small things. Crackers. Cleats. Toothpaste. I listen for the parts inside, and together, we follow them until they show us the exit.

Small shifts. Micro-adjustments that most people would overlook - but she feels them, and I see them. 

Start Therapy for High Achievers in St. Louis, MO

 If the cracker dust, the cleats, or the applesauce felt a little too familiar—you’re not alone. You don’t need a total life overhaul; you need a space where the parts of you finally feel seen. I offer therapy for high achievers in St. Louis, MO, and compassionate therapy for women in St. Louis, MO that makes room for the small things that add up.

Ready to tell me about the applesauce? You can start your therapy journey with Good Woman Therapy by clicking below!

Other Services Offered at Good Woman Therapy

Curious to learn more about therapy for high achievers? Send me a message! As an IFS therapist, I love helping women and fellow therapists navigate their everyday lives with greater ease using Internal Family Systems Therapy and specialize in therapy for stress & overwhelm, inner critics, perfectionism, peacekeeping, and relationship concerns. My office is located in Ballwin, MO and I help everyday women navigate their everyday lives with greater ease by offering both in-person counseling as well as online therapy to clients throughout Creve Coeur, Ladue, Town and Country, Chesterfield, and St. Peters. I also provide online therapy Missouri -wide to clients outside the St. Louis and St. Charles County area. You can view my availability and self-schedule a free, 20-minute consultation on my consultation page.