What Seven Years of IFS Therapy with Women in St. Louis Has Taught Me

Seven years ago, while in grad school to become a licensed counselor myself, I was sitting across from my therapist, intellectually spiraling about something my husband did: over-explaining, analyzing, looping through every possible angle. You know. Tuesday.

She paused and asked if I’d be willing to try something different. Instead of talking about the frustration, she asked me to speak to it. To listen to it. To let it respond. It was weird. But it also worked.

Something shifted in that session—not in theory, but in real time. I hadn’t outsmarted my overwhelm. I had finally gotten underneath it. That strange, quiet exchange became the moment that changed the entire trajectory of my personal and professional life.

Afterward, I asked her what the hell that was. She said, “It’s called parts work and it’s from an approach called Internal Family Systems therapy.” I said, “Cool. We’re doing more of that. And also—teach me everything.”

Fast forward to today: I’ve been a licensed therapist in Missouri and, as of last month, became a Level Three Certified Internal Family Systems therapist through the IFS Institute. And while that endeavor required thousands of hours of training, supervision, practice, and oversight, some of the best training happened with the clients I’ve sat with every week since first starting in 2018. Women who are sharp, functional, exhausted, and looking for something, therapy books never seem to name. Women like you.

Here’s what seven years of doing IFS therapy with women in St. Louis has taught me:

1. It Takes As Long As It Takes (Because Forward is a Pace)

So many of my clients come in ready to work. They’ve already read the books, highlighted the margins, and often know their enneagram number. They’ve analyzed their triggers, dissected their family patterns, and can articulate their pain like they’re presenting a research paper. In other words, they are my people.

But insight doesn’t always lead to change - especially when a part of you is trying to sprint toward clarity while another part is suffocating under the weight of what that clarity might cost.

In IFS, we don’t force breakthroughs; we build trust. Parts won’t hand you the key to their role in your life just because you asked (nicely or otherwise). They need to know you’re not going to barge in and try to make a bunch of changes without getting to know them. After all, they got their jobs for a reason, and they need to know you’re actually going to listen.

So we go slow. Which, weirdly, ends up being the fastest way through.

2. The More Capable You Are, the Less You Realize What You’re Carrying

Here’s the twist: the women I work with aren’t (typically) falling apart. They’re holding it together too well.

They’re “fine.” Productive. Respected. Thoughtful. No visible crisis. Only sometimes an “obvious” trauma story. But they’re tired. Irritable. Disconnected—from themselves, mostly. And they’ve internalized the idea that this inner tension is just…part of being a grown-ass woman. Expected. Inevitable.

But what I’ve seen, over and over again, is that these patterns aren’t who they are now, but a version of themselves that they had to be at some point in the past.

And these past versions are working hard. They’ve taken on jobs—keep the peace, stay two steps ahead, never need too much—and they’ve been doing them for so long, it just feels like personality. But it’s not. It’s protection.

IFS gives my clients a way back in.

A way to notice: “Wait. That voice isn’t all of me. That’s a part of me that’s trying to keep the peace. No wonder she’s so tired.” When that shift clicks—when someone feels the separation between who they are and what a part is doing—it changes everything.

Because beneath those protective strategies are the burdens that necessitated them in the first place: stored feelings, experiences, and beliefs around fear, shame, self-doubt, and pain. IFS offers a way to help those parts finally put that weight down—not by forcing change, but by building enough trust that the system allows it.

If any of this sounds familiar, it’s because it is. I could write a book on the similarities between the women who show up in my office. Here are a few you'd recognize—even if no one else does:

• The “fine” wife and mother who secretly resents everyone in her house, but doesn’t think she’s allowed to feel that way without being a bad person.

• The family or friend-group therapist—the one who always knows what to say to others, but can’t seem to turn that clarity inward.

• The actual licensed therapist who can track her clients’ patterns flawlessly but has trouble noticing her own.

3. There Really Are No Bad Parts

One of the hardest truths for clients to accept is also one of the most liberating once it starts to metabolize: there really are no bad parts. In you, or anyone else. 

That includes the parts you’ve always been most frustrated by - the ones that sabotage, lash out, shut down, or spiral into shame. They’re also just trying to help. Maybe not in the way you wish they would. But in the only way they know how.

IFS doesn’t excuse behavior—but it does contextualize it in a way that allows us to soften toward ourselves the way we do towards a small child who is melting down for no apparent reason… and then you find out they haven’t eaten since 10 am. Ohhhh. Now it makes sense.

Internal Family Systems therapy shows us that what a part does and who it is are two different things entirely. And when you can finally make that distinction? That’s when compassion becomes possible. And not the fluffy/heady kind of self-compassion. The real, grounded, felt in your bones, ache-you-don’t-mind compassion

The kind of connection that cracks open something tender inside you—not out of pity, but because you finally get why that part did what it did. Our parts only go to extremes when they feel like they’re alone at the wheel. But when there is a sturdy leader, they trust beside them? Someone calm, clear, and confident who makes them feel understood instead of managed or judged? They tend to be willing to ride shotgun and relieved to accept our offer of help instead of being resistant.

And that’s where healing begins.

4. Figuring It Out Gets in the Way of Listening

This one hits close to home for me.

I spent years trying to fix myself by “understanding” myself.
Podcasts, journals, personality tests, late-night rabbit holes into enneagram subtypes and family systems. I could analyze like it was my job.

And it was helpful…but it wasn’t enough. I still felt stuck. 

I noticed how often I had to help them step out of figuring-it-out mode—because that mode, while protective, kept them from actually hearing the parts of them that were hurting. It was like their insight was turning down the volume on what needed to be listened to most.

In hindsight, it became clear why all my analyzing and insight had never been enough (which is probably why I started saying “insight for insight’s sake is kind of shit” on consult calls with potential clients for a few years 🤣).

In IFS, we stop treating parts like puzzles and problems, and start treating them like people - versions of us with their own stories to tell, complete with motives, burdens, and a deep desire to be heard on their own terms.

We do this by allowing all parts of us to speak for themselves—not be narrated over or managed from the outside.  And that’s when everything starts to move. Not because the part got explained. But because it felt listened to.

Start IFS Therapy in St. Louis, MO: A Paradigm for Living by Leading

Seven - nearly eight - years ago, I stumbled into a new kind of therapy that cracked something open in me. At the time, I thought I’d found a model for how to do therapy - what I actually found was a paradigm for living.

A life where your inner world isn’t something to fight against or figure out—but something to lead - with clarity, with calm, and with choice.

Since then, I’ve walked alongside hundreds of women as they’ve had their own internal transformation - not by pushing harder or thinking smarter, but by turning inside with compassion, curiosity, and courage.

It doesn’t mean we never get activated. It means we know what to do when we do.

And that’s what IFS can give you.

If you’re ready for something deeper, more authentic, and more sustainable than “fine,” this is the place to start.

Other Services Offered at Good Woman Therapy

Curious to learn more about how an IFS therapist can help? Send me a message! As an IFS therapist, I love helping women and fellow therapists navigate their everyday lives with greater ease using Internal Family Systems Therapy and specialize in therapy for stress & overwhelm, inner critics, perfectionism, peacekeeping, and relationship concerns. My office is located in Ballwin, MO and I help everyday women navigate their everyday lives with greater ease by offering both in-person counseling as well as online therapy to clients throughout Creve Coeur, Ladue, Town and Country, Chesterfield, and St. Peters. I also provide online therapy Missouri -wide to clients outside the St. Louis and St. Charles County area. You can view my availability and self-schedule a free, 20-minute consultation on my consultation page.